How much negotiating is too much?
Recently Michelle and I had a play-date at a local park. Since neither of us could find a babysitter, we decided to let our children tag along. Heh! 
The conversation quickly turned to our all things kid including tantrums and negotiating. The big question that we kept coming back to was, “How much negotiating is too much?” If I ask my four year old to put away his socks, for the fourth time, and he tells me to wait because he’s helping his sister put on her dolly’s clothes, should I wait? He’s got a point, he’s doing something to help out his sister.
If I say it’s time to to turn off the movie and he tells me he will when the scene is over, is that ok?
Raising a four year old is so different than raising a younger child. Not all conversations are as black and white. You now have to deal with a thinking, TALKING, negotiating little person.
My answer to the question, “How much negotiating is too much?” came at the turning point of BC’s tantrum phase. My dad was in town and knew my husband and I were at a loss as to what to do with our son’s behavior. We thought we were parenting pretty consistently. But I have to say that having a fresh set of eyes in our house for three days, watching all our parenting moves was a true blessing. He was able to see just where the breakdown in our strategies occurred.
One scene that he observed went something like this:
Me: BC turn off the computer. I warned that if you hit your sister again, you’d be done with the game.
BC: (Intense stare, not budging)
Me: If you don’t turn off the computer, then I will.
BC (Intense stare, heals digging into floor)
Me: (Walking over to computer, shutting off the game)
BC: (Staying put at the desk, not budging or complying. Just not playing the game.)
During this whole event, I did all the work. First I told my son to turn off the computer, then realizing that he wasn’t budging and fearing an all out war, I changed my strategy.
Essentially what I did was create uncertainty. My son could not predict with 100% accuracy the of outcome of his actions, so he rolled the dice, and won.
My behavior and actions were creating his sub-par behavior.
As my father and I were talking he brought up this example to me.
As a teacher I go along my day with my students, just as happy as can be. The students have choices and I allow them a lot of leeway, as long as they are on task. But the minute they disobey, fall off task, or step over the acceptable line, all negotiation and additional privileges stop. They must head back to their desks. Period.
Why was I not applying these strategies to my own parenting?
Ultimately, I knew the answer.
Fear.
I had given my power to the four year old tyrant living in my home.
It was at this moment when I said to myself, “This is not a democracy. What I say goes, or there will be consequences.”
The next time my son told me no, he would not follow my directions, I walked over to him, got eye level and said with the most serious voice and facial expression I could muster, “You WILL follow my directions, or you WILL go to time out.” And I stared. I did not break eye contact.
He realized the shift in my parenting, and reluctantly complied.
Not only did this shift all but end the tantrums. But knowing the consequences to his actions with 100% certainty also, amazingly enough, allowed my son to breathe again. It was like he was a new kid again. The smile returned to his face and his happy atmosphere returned to our house.
Kids crave boundaries. A lack of boundaries creates uncertainty. Uncertainty creates confusion. Confusion creates fear. Fear creates an unsafe feeling. Kids who feel unsafe act out. Acting out creates tantrums. Tantrums are HELL for parents!!
My son and daughter have multiple choices throughout the day. They choose their clothes, what they want for breakfast, and where and how they play, just to name a few. But the one thing they no longer choose is when and how they to pay attention to our rules.
In times of distress, our house is not a democracy. It’s a dictatorship.
Four year old tantrum » Smiling Mom said,
November 13, 2008 @ 8:35 am
[…] Thus concludes my first episode of Learning Through Experience! Stay tuned for the next episode when I say, “This is NOT a democracy!” […]
Michelle said,
November 13, 2008 @ 10:09 am
Okay, since we brought this up… I am going to watch my actions and see how I respond. This 4 yr old business is tricky. Yesterday we left the park after he chucked a berry at another boy. He told me, “but it wasn’t tambark mom!” Oh yeah, like that makes it better.
Michelle’s last blog post..Baby Bunching…
Jeff said,
November 13, 2008 @ 4:06 pm
Brilliant, SM! Children are like cattle — they always graze at the fence. Where you place the fence and how securely you lock the gate largely determines how happy your home will be.
As a former high school principal, I’ve sadly watched young adults self destruct when their parents didn’t understand the analogy of fences and gates.
Smiling Dad said,
November 14, 2008 @ 7:33 am
You forgot the last line:
Kids crave boundaries. A lack of boundaries creates uncertainty. Uncertainty creates confusion. Confusion creates fear. Fear creates an unsafe feeling. Kids who feel unsafe act out. Acting out creates tantrums. Tantrums are HELL for parents…
Therefore, kids are HELL!
Momma Zookeeper said,
November 17, 2008 @ 9:20 am
Thanks for this. I will attempt to look inward, because the 4 year old tantrums around here suck big time. I didn’t even notice she was negotiating until it had become quite a bad habit. Kids suck sometimes!
Momma Zookeeper’s last blog post..The Dreaded “To Do” list
LuckyMe said,
December 3, 2008 @ 5:53 pm
YAY for tough parents! As my wise friend says, “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.” Once you start wavering, kids sense uncertainty and lose respect for your opinions. Apologizing when you need to is one thing. Getting into discussions about your rules and decisions is another. Stay strong. Soon the boundaries will be about inappropriate movies and video games, driving past curfew, mixed gender sleepovers, you get the idea. It’s not a bad idea to start talking about your standards a year or two before these issues come up. (I know you’re a long way off. I just like to lobby for more strict parenting so my job can be easier.)
LuckyMe’s last blog post..Beyonce
Heather said,
June 30, 2009 @ 6:35 am
OMG! Reading this was SUCH a huge relief. Last night, after enduring what turned out to be my 4 year old daughter’s biggest tantrum yet, I have been beating myself up about my total lack of ability to manage this behavior and wondering what I’m doing wrong and why my child is behaving this way. I am so glad to know I’m not alone, and I now have a plan in place to address the tantrums!!