Four year old tantrum
Things have become increasingly calmer around our house lately. Thank God. The stress of this past month has been enough to nearly knock us out.
Let me back up. We’ve been dealing with some pretty shocking 4 year old tantrum behavior from our son. It started back in August, just a month after his fourth birthday. I immediately began researching (thank God for Google!!) tantrum behaviors, anxiety, and just about anything I could find related to the subject. The results were minimal. Not much seems to be written about this stage in life.
BC’s behavior and the root cause of why he was acting out consumed us. It’s all we talked about. Not knowing why was about as hard as not knowing how to stop the actual behaviors. I started reaching out to friends. Asking if they dealt with similar problems when one of their children was four.
The resounding answer?
Yes.
Most every mom I spoke to had or has a child going through this phase. With this realization, about 10 pounds lifted off my shoulders.
My son is not broken. He’s testing.
I can deal with testing. Broken? No. Testing, abso-freaking-lutely!
Once we realized the root of BC’s tantrum behavior was a struggle for power I was able to jump into action.
Tantrums at our house happened generally during three different times.
1. School Drop-Off
During the drop off at school BC’s behavior went from sweet, loving, and outgoing to horrible, thrashing tantrum behavior. We called ahead to the school, let them know of the new developments and created a plan with the teachers. We’d bring BC to school (kicking and screaming) and the teachers would peal him out of our arms. We’d quickly say goodbye and leave.
And then I’d cry.
Each day we applied this technique, it took a total of 10–15 minutes before he was calm and playing with the other kids happily.
This lasted for 4 class sessions. At that point, BC decided to attend school happily. Phew!!
2. Time Outs
One day BC decided that he would not sit on a time out any longer. This is when all negotiations in our house came to an end. He must obey. We attempted the Supernanny technique of putting the child back to time out without any eye contact, emotion, or communication.
This was hard. I got mad. I was tired. So was my son.
But I did it. The first time it took 57 minutes of continuously putting him back on time-out. There a LOT of screaming, crying, kicking etc. before he’d stay. But he stayed.
This was by far the hardest thing I’d ever done. But I did it and it made each additional time-out we dealt with so much easier.
The next time-out took 17 minutes of ‘put backs’ before he stayed.
That was the last time he tested so severely during his time-outs.
3. Bedtime/Nighttime
This was the hardest tantrum for us to break. First we were very concerned because we knew that our son was effected by my grandmother’s death this summer. Her funeral was the first time he saw me cry. He knew my grandma and missed her terribly. The nighttime routine became torturous for us. It began to take about an hour to put BC down, and there were still no guarantees that our tactics would work. Half the nights ended in a full blown hour-long tantrum as we attempted to leave the room. By the end of the fit, we were sitting with/ laying with/ holding our son.
Totally ineffective.
This was our final frontier. We had to move past the nighttime tantrum in order to be freed from this horrible weight that was effecting our entire family.
We finally decided that enough was enough. I let BC know that then next time he didn’t stay in bed at nighttime he’d be put back to bed over and over again until he stayed. In addition, I would not talk to him.
At 12:30 a.m. a following day the tantrum began. In Supernanny fashion, I said, “It’s bedtime darling.” and placed him in bed.
The second time he got up, I firmly said, “It’s bedtime.”
The third through the 75th time he got out of bed, kicking, screaming, etc. I simply picked him up, put him on his mattress without a word or eye contact.
He was pissed.
But after 35 minutes, he stayed.
That episode was well over a week ago and the last time we had a tantrum in our house.
Helpful Tip:
If I could suggest anything to you as you go through this phase it would be to completely disconnect, emotionally during these episodes.
If you don’t, you may hurt your child, inadvertently, or make the tantrum worse and last longer by reacting.
Disconnect and prepare for a long, drawn out fit. Because when you decide to change your behavior, your child will push harder to get what he wants.
Disconnect. Then reconnect when the episode is over.
——————–
Thus concludes my first episode of Learning Through Experience! Stay tuned for the next episode when I say, “This is NOT a democracy!”
——————–
If you liked this post, you may also like my post on Nighttime Potty Training.
Laura Lee said,
October 30, 2008 @ 8:14 am
Amen lady. You have nerves of steel.
Laura Lee’s last blog post..As Discussed at Playgroup
Lori King said,
October 30, 2008 @ 8:27 am
Oh I so remember the “fabulous” fours. You are doing all the right things, so give yourself a hug, a pat on the back, a foot massage and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s! The key is consistency, and it sounds like you’ve got that down. Call me if you ever want to chat and I can bend your ear with lots and lots of stories during the “age 4″ era.
Much love,
Lori
Lori King’s last blog post..Romance vs. To Do List
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children said,
October 31, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
Oh my god, does it EVER end? I heard 2 was bad, then I’ve been hearing 3 is worse, and now NOW! I have to worry about 4.
Damn.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..I’ve got my fingers crossed for 100 Grand Bars
Robyn said,
November 3, 2008 @ 12:43 pm
Ok so not only am I hiring you to teach my son to read, now I’m hiring you to break the bedtime habit.
Darius has a rotten habit of coming into bed with us at night. Neville doesn’t mind but it drives me off the wall. I cannot sleep next to my thrashing child. I’m glad to know the SuperNanny technique works. I may be using it soon.
Robyn’s last blog post..Halloween at Who’s the Boss?
Momma Zookeeper said,
November 4, 2008 @ 1:00 pm
I’m so glad it’s getting better. We’re walking a very fine line around here. And my teeth grind just thinking about it!
Momma Zookeeper’s last blog post..new kinda survey
Nicole said,
November 6, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
As my son nears five things seem to be slowly improving, and I can totally relate to wanting to find out what was causing this behaviour (kid #1 was very differerent).
I may head back here, especially for the time-outs. What’s frustrating to me is my husband has this voice that Donovan will listen too, he’ll go to his timeout and stay there. Not for me, and he’s so fricken strong I can barely get him in there. We are working it out, and I’m slowly accepting that sometimes dad will just have to step in. I never wanted to be the mom that said “should I get dad down here?” What’s funny is how often they threaten to “call dad” when I tell them to do something.
Nicole’s last blog post..I’m Making the Leap
Child Care said,
November 6, 2008 @ 12:43 pm
“Tantrum behavior” is the problem most of the parents face with their kids. Your post has been a great solution.
Thanks for posting.
Julia
Lady M said,
November 6, 2008 @ 10:05 pm
Thank you for writing this (and for the great educational info at the Leapfrog event!) — We haven’t hit such a strong tantrum phase yet, but we’ll be prepared for when it arrives.
Lady M’s last blog post..Geography and Old Glory
Chris Thompson | Terrible Twos said,
November 13, 2008 @ 7:11 am
Nette,
Fantastic post! The problems you are noticing are indeed very common at this age, in my own experience. My wife and I have watched loads of SuperNanny and the techniques definitely work, although they take a time and patience investment from the parent. When I was reading Tony Robbins many years ago, he said that the key to success was to simply keep trying one more time than you fail. It is EXACTLY true and this is exactly what you did with the time out and bedtime ritual.
I also have other methods, based on the use of linguistic tools that come from the field of NLP and hypnosis. These are not used to create trance or anything like that, but they result in more compliance from your children. These are tools of persuasion and influence. They are VERY effective on 4-year olds, in my experience.
All that is required is knowledge of the tools, persistence, and openness to new ideas/creativity.
The other key point I picked up from your posting is that you remained calm. This is SO important. If you get emotional and scream at your child, it accomplishes nothing. I wish more parents understood this.
Feel free to check out my website at http://www.TalkingToToddlers.com
How much negotiating is too much? » Smiling Mom said,
November 13, 2008 @ 8:34 am
[…] conversation quickly turned to our all things kid including tantrums and negotiating. The big question that we kept coming back to was, “How much negotiating is […]
Nicole 2 said,
November 13, 2008 @ 1:20 pm
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We’re in the exact same boat! We haven’t seen these kinds of tantrums for our son since he was two, so we’ve been in shock and awe over these emotional (volcanic!) eruptions the past few weeks. Now we know for sure what to do (our instincts told us this from the beginning but the drama won out).
Much, much appreciated advice!
Anna said,
November 26, 2008 @ 2:45 am
Hi there from Germany…
I entered the term “Tantrum 4 year olds” in Google and after some dissapointing articles with lots of fluff factor came across your website. How REFRESHING! The best advice available by far. This new era of tantrums just started so I’m totally lost but know that I want to stick to my rules. Apart from that I’m a moderately permissive parent — that can’t be too much to ask.
So thanks, I’m going to use your advice — hope it works on girls, too!
Sarah said,
December 8, 2008 @ 9:19 pm
I made the same google search as the person above. We are really struggling with our four year old right now, too. Your description of bed time was exactly what we have been going through. Last night, she screamed for almost two hours before she finally fell asleep. It’s so comforting to know that this is happening to other four year olds as well. Thank-you for the tips in this article! I have some hope tonight…
Kit said,
January 2, 2009 @ 10:02 pm
My son began his tantrums about 3 months ago when he went to a new pre-school. (he will be 4 next month). He hates transitions and he is stubborn. When asked to line up from outside play, he would lie on the ground and have a huge meltdown. It took 2 staff to deal with him because he is very strong. After 2 months of this,the pre-school gave up. He is back at home now and I till face tantrums especially around noon when he is tired. I am a single parent and lifting him when he is rigidly tantruming is almost a herculean feat. When he is out of control i sit with him until he regains his composure, which is building my muscles. The worst is his public displays, especially when he has to leave. Since i am not strong enough to carry him, i just walk away telling him “i’m leaving”. That usually does the trick…at least he gets moving in the right direction. Then i try to distract him from the “trigger” for the trantrum. He also has a problem with my leaving his bedroom at night. “Don’t leave” he will plead pathetically in an hysterical fit. Dropping his nap during the day has helped that since now he is so tired he goes to sleep in a few minutes. As soon as he could get out of his crib, he would crawl into my bed at night. As most people with toddlers know, it is impossible to sleep with a thrashing toddler next to you, assuming that they do not fall off the bed. I partially solved the problem by putting a youth bed in my bedroom ( kind of ruins the ambience), when he comes in about 11 pm — you can set your watch by that)he goes into his “bed” for most of the night. I am trying to negotiate with him to come into bed only in the morning, not at 3 am when i can’t go back to sleep. I hope this is not a long stage, because it is a mission to cope with.
Adrian said,
January 5, 2009 @ 8:20 pm
Best advice all night. I thought I was a bad Dad, looks like I just need to buckle down and disconnect. Thanks alot!
Laura said,
May 12, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
I had to do a search after putting my 4 year old girl in yet another time out. She is really testing her limits these days…and NO ONE EVER warned me about “the 4s” and my son didn’t have a tantrum habit at that age! She screams like a banshee and slams her door…something I thought wouldn’t happen until her teens! ha ha! Anyway, thanks for the info, it is encouraging to know my daughter’s awful behavior is, at least, normal for her age!
Shelley said,
May 18, 2009 @ 7:56 pm
Thank you thank you thank you! I have become increasingly worried about my daughter (4 in August) who has gone from being 90/10 beautiful/ugly behaviour to the other way round in the last few weeks with the MOST horrific tantrums. I had got to the point of thinking we needed to see our GP or someone to try and assist as I have NO idea the “4’s” (or nearly)were going to be so challenging; I kept thinking that whilst her other areas of development are just fine her emotional side has gone into melt-down and that she had some sort of issue that I was not dealing with at all well — tried the firm way/time-out/cuddling & supportive and nothing is working however now at least I know she is “normal” an to keep persevering! Thank you, from a very grateful mum!
Kim said,
May 25, 2009 @ 10:03 pm
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS POST!!! After leaving a family bbq tonight in tears, carrying my tantruming (is that a word) almost 4 year old, kicking and screaming (him, not me), I decided to turn to google for some help. THANK HEAVENS I came across this info — you made me laugh out loud and know that this is normal! It made me realize how much I need to disconnect myself and not get emotional (“Stop it right now or I will throw your Star Wars coloring book in the big, black garbage can!” Not helpful? Who knew.). I will give your advice a try tomorrow and hope it works! Thanks again.
Jennifer said,
June 18, 2009 @ 1:03 am
Thank you for this post. I really needed it, too. My 4.5 year old throws horrible fits and tantrums when it is time to go home from classes sometimes. No other child seems to be doing that, and it became unbearable. I am going to use techniques you describe here. I think I was already trying to disconnect as much as possible, to avoid escalating the problem
Natalie said,
June 28, 2009 @ 12:57 pm
I think that 4 is the hardest age with my daughter–she was pretty much a saint until we hit 4.…now its the worst blow up tantrums, all out kicking and screaming, rolling on the floor and saying (read screaming) the same phrase OVER AND OVER! We can get up to 45 minutes on some tantrums! Thank you for your advice, I will be using it immediately.
Onneke said,
July 3, 2009 @ 1:02 pm
A great post. Thank you. My son is 4 and has recently started to have horrible tantrums. He never had them when he was 2 or 3, so it came as a shock. I try and stay really calm but blow up after 45 minutes of screaming and crying. I will keep your advice to disconnect in mind.
psytrance said,
July 4, 2009 @ 8:42 am
usually i don’t write comments in blogs but this time i had to. thank you for the usefull infos you give! my son is exactly like that also. maybe he can get better with some of your tips. Thank you!!!!
Suz said,
July 13, 2009 @ 11:27 pm
Thank god…the two weeks my four year old has morphed out of control. We have just returned for kindy where I had to drag kicking and screaming from the playground because it was time to go home. everyone else was leaving two.
I know its a power play but I’m exhausted and struggling to disconnect emotionally… but will keep trying
Babette said,
July 26, 2009 @ 7:53 am
thank you for that. i have been feeling hopeless and wondering why constantly regarding my 4yo behavior. this was very comforting!
A.J. said,
August 12, 2009 @ 3:30 pm
THANK YOU! This is very reassuring. I had no idea to expect this… heard about the “terrible two’s”, but no one said anything about tantrums at 4yrs!
Betsy said,
August 19, 2009 @ 11:59 am
Thanks for the great post. We are going through the same thing with our 4 year old. She has been prone to tantrums forever, but at 4 they are of a different caliber and ferocity. You have reminded me that the technique of detaching during the tantrum and engaging when it is over which I used when she was a toddler can still be used now. Though at four she has a great ability to reason and manipulate, effectively, the tantrum is her emotions going into overdrive. Throwing my emotions into the mix only escalates the situation. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day! Cheers!
Melissa C. said,
August 27, 2009 @ 10:55 am
OMG thank you for posting this my 4 year old has had MAJOR tantrums since he was 2 and every year it gets worse and worse… i’ve tried ignoring, time outs, physically picking him up and moving him… today it was the park, he wanted to stay but it was time to go and he screamed on the top of his lungs and was running around the park like a crazy person. I have a two year old as well who was waiting patiently in the car while i chased and carried the 4 year old kicking and screaming. It’s so frustrating i could handle the tantrums if he didn’t scream like he was in a horror flick people look at me like i’m stabbing him or something and i’m across the playground
liz said,
October 12, 2009 @ 5:55 pm
Thanks so much for posting. Was wondering if I needed to make an appointment with a child psychologist. I feel a hundred times better after reading this. We’ll just keep on keeping on with the time-outs and hope for the best for now.
Gail said,
October 15, 2009 @ 3:48 am
I was wondering what had gotten into my son all of a sudden! My older girl was pretty much done with tantrums by 3. My son was following the same pattern until a few weeks ago the tantrums came back — volcanic! I was wondering if perhaps it was hormonal. He is super aggressive and is trying to impose new, his, rules. So when you wrote “testing” it really resounded with me.
I don’t particularly look forward to reinforcing time-out 75 times while remaining disconnected. On the other hand, loosing it this morning and bursting out crying in front of the kids didn’t particularly make me proud either. Pfffft, I actually don’t look forward much to going home soon. No short cuts huh?
Angi said,
November 12, 2009 @ 2:51 pm
Great post! My son is 4–1/2 and has the worst melt downs lately. I searched my mind to see what I was doing wrong (not enough attention, not enough sleep, not enough physical activity; I even took his temperature!) No matter what I do he’s just not himself. I had absolutely no idea that this was normal 4-year old behavior. You’re right — it’s like 10 pounds have been lifted off my shoulders to just know that this is normal. I think now I’m more equipt to deal with it. Thank you!
jenny said,
December 1, 2009 @ 9:20 pm
ok. all really good advice as i am close to killing myself over bedtime. to throw you for a loop, can you add to the bedtime 4 yr. old tantrum a 1 year old that sleeps in the same room. the 1 yr. old goes to bed on her own and goes to sleep well. but, when we try to enforce the no negotiating on the 4 year old she screams and cries and then wakes the 1 year old. the cycle can go on for hours. if we don’t soothe the 4 yr. old to try to sleep she will just keep waking the 1 yr. old. it is such a nightmare and when they both start screaming I have dreams of locking the house and going for a drive in my car until they stop!!! i dont think i can handle this bedtime drama much longer. any advice???
Emma said,
December 3, 2009 @ 5:31 am
Thankyou for such a great post, since my lovely daughter turned 4 things have slowly gone hill.
She has gotten moody, forever telling me what to do, getting really annoyed if things don’t go her way and generally being rude. I know she was pushing limits but wow I never 4 was such a testing age.
We have a thinking chair where she goes when she is throwing a woobler, seems to work. Though i have been bad and offered her things to just be quiet (won’t be doing that again lol)
Many thanks again.
Mary said,
December 4, 2009 @ 3:18 pm
My son turned 4 in September and he has begun having very loud private and public tantrums.
I am a single working mom and depend on my babysitter a lot…she is a SAINT. Lately, however, even SHE is frustrated by his horrific screaming fits. She gently suggested that it’s time for me to put him in pre-school. At home, I can send him to his room to “think” and settle down. In public, I’ve had several people act ugly and threatening when he tantrums. This makes it worse because I’m already frustrated and struggling with my own desire to lose control!! Thus far, I’ve refrained from “ripping anyone’s lips off”…but it’s been a close call. LOL!! I will try the ideas above, especially the detachment part. I think it will allow me to be more effective with him AND meddling, staring strangers. Thanks for all the tips!
Dave said,
December 5, 2009 @ 4:42 pm
Thank you all. I am a father of two daughters. 6 and 4. The 6 year old thinks she’s 16 and the 4…2. I am at a complete loss and find myself feeling like a horrible father. My 4 year old will scream and thrash for an hour at a time without, seemingly, a reason. When I try to figure it out I am met by no response, just continued screaming. After the fourth or fifth time asking, I finally say, “we would love to have you participate in the activities, but you need to get in control first”. Hasn’t worked so far… I will continue trying. thanks again for the helpful wisdom.
Lianne said,
December 14, 2009 @ 8:14 pm
Phew. So good to read all of your posts. Today started with my almost 4 year old son having a tantrum at 5.30am because I refused to wash and dry his hands after he went to the bathroom (I am just no good at responding to these type of demands at that time in the morning!) and ended with a 40 minute bed time tantrum as I took him out of the bath after he threw a bath toy at me. I was going to call the Priest to come with some holy water as possession is now the only thing left to explain this behaviour but now that I know it’s normal, I hope to be able to follow your advice. Very helpful. I will still get the Priest’s number ready just in case though…
Michelle said,
January 31, 2010 @ 11:33 pm
Wow, I read all the “Proffesional” advice sites and yours was the only one that made sense to me.
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH.
anneke said,
February 16, 2010 @ 6:38 pm
All of you have made me feel a little better. I have the same situation as Dave. I have a seven year old who acts 16 and an almost five year old that acts 2. He has had a terrible time since last April when he turned four and things haven’t improved yet. Every day is a struggle with completely unco-operative behaviour and inability to cope with being told no, which escalates into rage and severe tantrums. Hitting, trying to bite, throwing furniture screaming.…. I am at home with him except when he is at preschool so I am starting to feel like I need some help. It is very exhausting and I want so much to enjoy my time with him before he starts school but he is making it really tough . I think I will try harder to disconnect maybe save my sanity !
jeremiah james said,
March 11, 2010 @ 7:28 am
thanks for the info. my wife and i are doing something wrong here, we’ve tried timeout but don’t disconnect ..but mistake i guess. we have a family of 4..6yr old daughter who is relatively good, 4yr old daughter who is uncontrollable and 9mth old boy&girl who sees all of these fits. my 4yr old has been diagnosed with “odd” but doesn’t take meds. we’re “ify” about it.. we’re so tired though.. also during these fits it seems she isn’t herself and afterwards usually doesn’t remember they’ve happened the way they did. we’re confused and lost. it’s really really hard to enjoy family moments at home especially in the morning dinner and night. she’s constantly fighting with us and picks at her older sister like an enemy. if anyone can help write us at ‘jeremiah@westvirginia.usa.com’ please. we need someone to talk to or suggest something. thank you. the james family
Deanna said,
March 16, 2010 @ 11:20 am
My 4-year old got sent home from pre-school today for throwing a huge tantrum. We have been seeing a few of these show up over the past month or so, but today the teacher described one of his worst. I was in an absolute loss for what to do. Thank you for your article. It helps to know that others have experienced the same thing and that my son is not abnormal. Great information.
Shannon said,
March 20, 2010 @ 6:06 pm
Thank you. Just…thank you for writing this. He’s upstairs throwing crap and having the biggest fit I’ve seen in a long time. I’m down here trying to keep myself from making it worse. Found your blog. And it’s helping me.
THANK YOU
Nicola Alexander said,
April 7, 2010 @ 2:52 pm
Thank you for all this good advice, I have 4 children 14, 7, almost 4 and just turned 2 and it is the two youngest that are causing me problems! The 2 year old I feel able to deal with as its normal for her age but I have been frustrated with my son as I thought we had already gone though the terrible 2’s with him and come out the other side, I was starting to worry that there was something wrong with him as he has huge tantrums, screams uncontrollably and lashes out at me and his sisters, he says he feels angry but he doesnt know why, thanks to your advice I will ride the storm calmly knowing he will come out the other side AGAIN! I would like to ask a question about the back to bed routine. I have always lay with my son, he plays with my hair, has done since a little baby to comfort him to sleep, sometimes I slip out the bed when he is still awake and say mummy will be back in a minute and he just goes off to sleep but most nights he starts crying and keeps getting out of the bed until I lie with him again, I havent tried the back to bed properly as he shares a room with 2 of his sisters and so I try to avoid them being kept awake with his crying also my 2 year old has started crying for mummy too and it all gets worse. Any advice? I really cant put him in a room of his own except in my room, which he would be quite happy with but then I cant get him out of my bed! Thank you
Dotty said,
April 22, 2010 @ 6:59 am
Thank You for letting me know that I am not alone. I have 3 children, 7, 4 and 20 months. My oldest responded well to time outs and I too had to place her back in the time out chair again and again at the age of 4 but my second child who just turned 4 in December is in a whole different league.
She is defiant, manipulative and at times can be a ture Jeckle and Hyde. She will go from being this charming, outgoing child with tons of personality to the throw herself to the floor, screaming at the top of her lungs, kicking and hitting little monster. The worst thing is she doesn’t seem to care at all about loosing privliges or sitting in time out. She will sit there and continue the bad behavior, or she will act happy about it. I really don’t like it when she hits me! I have a hard time with how to react to her. If this is 4 then I am not looking forward to 13.
I’m just glad I’m not the only one.
Mellie said,
May 13, 2010 @ 8:19 am
Wow, like everyone else, I feel so glad I’m at least not alone in this problem. The tantrums are so constant and draining. Everyone keeps telling me that my daughter will outgrow this, but I’m just not sure. The difficult thing is, none of my friends can relate. They all say, “have you tried time out and being firm?” like the rest of you, I’ve tried it all. If anyone has survived this, I’d love to know when it ends.…
EmJay said,
May 25, 2010 @ 9:51 am
It is comforting to see I am not alone with our almost 4 year old’s tantrums. When it comes to her pre-school pals and all our social group, we are unique in the extent of the tantrums and I really feel that nobody understands what we are going through. She had a minor one the other day in front of friends who were surprised how strong and unreasonable she became (me unable to lift or carry her whilst thrashing and they trying to verbally reason with her and offer bribes-ha! poor things have no idea). I just wanted to shout out “You ain’t seen nothing yet”. The thing is, I don’t want to reproach her as doing this to “test” us. She does it purely and simply when tired. It seems like a cloud comes over her face and her eyes shut half-way and bang this different and difficult individual takes over. I try so hard not to let tiredness set in but if kids of this won’t nap then it is not always possible. The 10 minute walk downhill from pre-school might take us 1.5 hours as I linger as long as she likes, play in the park and generally not hurry her etc. The moment I suggest we really have to go then all hell can break loose. She can run away behind trees, down streets and I have a really hard job restraining her. People come out of shops and I drop bags and belongings all the way down the street. Needless to say I look like Evil Mom. Later in the day she might say she is sorry for what happened without me prompting her. It is like living with Jekyll and Hyde. This has felt good just writing this message down as I thought we needed to see some sort of behavioural therapist. If there is one thing I have taken from your article is consistency and perseverence are key. Thank you!
Bobbi said,
June 4, 2010 @ 10:50 am
I am so happy to have found this site. As you did, I have been googling how to deal with the tantrums of a nearly 4 year old. Unfortunately, most of the information that I encountered indicated that tantrums get less frequent and less severe with age and laguage aquisition. My experience directly opposes this theory. It’s a nice theory, but doesn’t stand up to real life testing. I was also glad to see that a death in the family had brought on another trigger. My father-in-law passed away this past Feb (it’s now June) and they were quite close. Somehow these tantrums are related to grieving, although I’m not certain how exactly. I am inclined to think that once he’s calmed down, he’s feeling sorry for himself, and that’s when missing his Papa comes up. The tantrums have been getting unbearable over the last month. Frequently, after it’s all over and we are hugging, he’ll say something like “why did my Papa have to die,” or “I really miss my Papa.” I realize that consistency will eventually work. My situation is complicated by the fact that we are living with my parents (humbling) and they are at least as frustrated as I am, however, they just want this problem fixed and do not understand that it will take time and persistence, and there will be a lot of noise until we completely resolve the issue. They continually point out my ineffectiveness thus far. However, when they try to get involved the event just gets worse. The problem is so intense that the word tantrum doesn’t seem to be the right word. It’s not your regular tantrum. My mother-in-law finds it easy to blame my husband’s legendary stubbornness as a genetic explanation, but this has also not been helpful in any practical way. Anyways, I am relieved to read about your experience. It gives me hope. Thanks.
Susanne said,
June 12, 2010 @ 8:14 am
Thank you thank yo0u thank you! This is exactly what I was looking for. We are all in this together. So nice to see that others deal with this. I thought my child was being posessed!
Nick P. said,
August 4, 2010 @ 7:47 am
thanks for you insight! we kind of had a feeling from other literature that this was a phase, but still when you go through it its really tough, especially because its your own and you try and be warm, loving and nice, it will be tough being disconnected, but I will truly follow that adivce and see for myself how it works out. Its good to know we are not alone!
Dawn D. said,
September 4, 2010 @ 6:02 am
Thank you! Thank ALL of you! Right around the time my daughter turned 4 she started having extreme fits, most often when it was time to go to school. I do feel strongly that some of this is related to being exposed to death for the first time, a number of changes with her closest pre-school friends moving to other schools/move of a very close friend who was like family as well the fact that she lives in two homes( w/ me 70% of the time and with her father and his wife 30% of the time)that in and of itself increases the inconsistency in her life…let alone that we are not communicating in the way I would like us to, to ensure more consistency for her. Given all that, I can understand the basis for her fits.…but that doesn’t help in dealing with them. I realize now, from reading your post & all the responses…that this is normal…whew!…and that I just need to continue with what I am doing, disconnect and prepare for a long drawn-out battle…and this to shall pass!! From the reactions of bystanders and Father’s parents, I was beginning to feel that I am doing something wrong..or that there was something terribly wrong with her. It is a weight off my shoulders to know that this is NORMAL. Thank you!!!
Vickie said,
September 17, 2010 @ 7:25 am
Thank you for the article, and to everyone else for posting their experiences and making me feel a bit better. My 4.5 year old DD is a generally easy going kid, but every once in a while something will trigger her beyond control and then all bets are off. Yesterday she threw a huge tantrum at the dentists– after being a little angel there just 6 months ago. I get so tired and aggravated with bystanders who tsk, tsk, tsk, and tell me I’ve got to get control of my child. That’s a lot easier said by a bystander, than done by a parent who is trying to persuade a child to behave a certain way without crossing a line that damages a child. I am so frustrated at times, but have long subscribed to the notion of staying calm and not engaging the child on an emotional level– so maybe this could actually be worse? This article has made me feel so much better about what can be normal for a child this age. Thank you again.
angel said,
October 18, 2010 @ 7:56 am
God bless this thread
I’m 25 and my wife 22 and are 4 year old son is driving us
Crazy won’t sleep in his bed won’t take the time outs we give him and always wants to sleep with us ..its annoying !..but reading this will sure change things around.…
I feel so much better…
Angel..
Diane said,
November 29, 2010 @ 8:18 pm
Thank you! I think I can sleep tonight.
My 4 year old daughter has been giving me such a hard time latley. I run my own daycare so she is with me all day and has been since birth. Lately she wants to be first to do everthing, she always wants the toy someone else wants and mentaly never gives me a break! I feel like we are moving backward on her development.What is the deal! Today she cried for 45 minutes because it was bedtime and she said she wasnt tired. My husband turned her tv off after she got out of bed looking for me 3 times. Thats when the water works began.45 minutes of it.I ignored her and sent her back to bed.I hope she got the message..she finally fell asleep defeated. When she fell asleep thats when the guilt set in. I was questioning myself “did I do the right thing.”.According to u I am right on track.This is why I give my parets so much credit..this sure isnt easy.
catriona said,
December 2, 2010 @ 7:03 am
Wow, just came across this and feel huge relief. This last week our 4 year old son really has been wild. Every day we’ve had at least one major tantrum. I have tried so hard to stay calm, last night he threw his toy box at my head… ouch! I was trying to figure out why in the world this is happening, he’s usually incredibly calm and loving. After reading this post and all the comments, I will keep with the calm, disconnecting and pretending it’s not happening. His 2 year old brother has been stunned but now seems to be watching with admiration! Thank you for this blog, brilliant!
Karem said,
December 17, 2010 @ 2:57 pm
Thanks!! I thought I was alone, we have the same problems with my 4 year old son, I will try all your ideas. We have the same problems with tantrum and bedime. Thank you again for this blog!!
Emilie said,
January 20, 2011 @ 1:59 pm
Thank God. I sometimes feel like I am the only one. My 2 boys 2 and 4 are currently driving me crazy. My older one was usually “all boy” running, climbing, and basically having a great time, but lately he throws a fit if we are leaving somewhere, quiet time in his room is gone, he keeps his brother awake and constantly talks back with attitude. I always used to be able to talk him out of bad behavior, but now it just seems like I am always putting him in his room to get it out of his system. I hate being the “event” when we are out. This made me feel better and want to keep trying. Good luck everyone!
Felicia said,
February 2, 2011 @ 7:03 am
Your site has convinced me that I am not mad. Nor a bad parent. Thank you for sharing and openess.
Lorraine said,
February 9, 2011 @ 7:53 pm
I need help…I’m desperate! I am a single mother and my 4 yr old tantrums are becoming frequent and I feel like I’m losing my patience. I’ve tried timeouts, talking, ignoring etc. I feel like such a bad mother that most times I just want to breakdown and cry.
Elizabeth said,
March 8, 2011 @ 5:59 pm
I also have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. The older (girl) has been having the most intense tantrums — screaming, hitting me, pulling my hair, banging on her bedroom door.…awful to witness. I also do not have many parents around me who have a child with tantrums this extreme. It’s very difficult not to get emotional, still working on that. Also, what does everyone think about appropriate consequences? Is time-out enough? Lately we have been making her stay in her room for a few hours just to make it clear that the hitting is unacceptable…
Colleen said,
March 12, 2011 @ 12:17 pm
OMG! Thank you so much. My four year old CJ has been having really bad tantrums. My mom passed this past August and of course they were very close. I’ve been battling with my self and the type of discipline he receives. Of course with everyone around been so judge mental about me not being tough enough on him. I know he really misses my mom as well as I but I can’t let that be an excuse for his bad behavior. When he get’s in trouble he tells me he misses Nana. I say “I do too but she would definitely not like the way you’re behaving and that we want to make her proud”. With all this being said after reading all the helpful post I think a large part of this is him testing me. I will definitely try this technique out.
Scarlett said,
April 2, 2011 @ 5:19 pm
Thank you for having these — both the post and all the replies. So, I am a single working mom that has a 4 yr old the size if a 7 yr old. Hard to keep her in check during a melt-down when she lifted her teacher OFF THE GROUND last week at preschool. I can keep cool at home when she’s trying to be pushy because I am a big girl myself. But, does anyone have advise for when the teachers and administrators call me? I can’t keep taking off work! It’s especially hard when, like everyone else, she’s an angel 75% of the time. I mean, how many 4 yr olds mop the floors and take out the trash at home?!?! How do I deal with school???