I tend to be an extremest, just ask my husband!  And when I wrote, “This internal dialogue haunts me daily,” I may have been over exaggerating… just a tad bit…sorry for that. 

These posts were actually inspired by an activity we did at church a while back where you had to write down your negative internal dialogue in hopes to change it into something positive.

I thought it would be a nice activity to turn into a series of posts.

Sigh.  I was wrong.

My mom, who is like the nicest person in the entire world, gently suggested that I might want to end this post on a bit of a happier note.    That made me laugh!!  But she’s right.
Even though I kinda regret exposing my inner demons to my closest family and friends and really feel like crawling in a hole and hiding for 6 months, I will finish what I started.  Brace yourself for one more downer…but tomorrow’s post will be way better, promise!!

Part 3 of 3

Too Young and Naive.

This internal dialogue haunts me, daily.

Too Young & Naive

I began teaching at twenty one.  I wore my hair in two braids, like Julia Roberts did in The Firm.  My principal frequently shook her head at me and said I looked like one of my students.

When I spoke up at team meetings, my excited, new, hopeful ideas and beliefs were quickly discounted.  “That’s nice, Nanette.  But here at this school, we do things differently.”

I was too young and not taken seriously.

An internal dialogue I’ve repeated to myself each day since.

Now I’m thirty two.  My hair is big and poofy.  I have wrinkles and love handles.  My virtually non-existent breasts actually sag.  I’ve been teaching for over ten years, and somehow still feel that I’m viewed as too young and naive.

But then the that begs to be asked, “Who views you this way?  Others?  Or you?”

I think it’s the latter.

And it’s going to change.

**************************

Yeay!!  Yippee!!  Whoo Hoo!!  I LOVE puppies and butterflies!!  Weee!

How was that?  Happy enough?

No?

How about an adorable picture I just took of my fantastic chocolate lab, Kayla!

I knew you’d love that!

Tomorrow is my anniversary.  And I’ve got the greatest picture of my husband.  One you won’t want to miss!!

Thanks for the cookies, phone calls, emails, and love.  You guys are the best.

Too Young & Naive.

Know It All.

This internal dialogue haunts me, daily.

Why are you so opinionated?

Nanette, you are such a nag!

Why are you so controlling?  Bossy?  Why can’t you let it go?

You are so blunt, you need to soften your words!

See, the funny thing is, I am bossy, controlling, opinionated.  I do speak my mind.

However, if I let you behind the brick facade I’ve constructed throughout the years, you’d find out that I’m terrified–to the core–to find out what people really think of me.

I fear the truth would confirm what I’ve said about myself for years.

I’m not terribly easy going.  If I’m mad about something, I let you know.  If I feel that you are not being sincere with me, I tell you.

But inside, I cower.  I fear that I’m viewed as a controlling know it all.  Not as Nanette, a clear communicator.

I, as a thirty two year old woman, now believe that one of my greatest strengths is speaking truthfully, directly, clearly, about what I want and need.  I don’t play games, and expect you won’t either.  If I ask your opinion.  I want the truthful answer.

Likewise, if you ask mine, I’ll give it.

And even sometimes when you don’t.

I’ve been told to temper this.  To ease up.  Be softer, kinder, lighten the blow.  I’ve been told that my communication style is not the right one…

However, for me, I’ve decided it is.  But then there’s this nagging voice inside, “Nanette, you are such a know it all.  No one really likes you.  They just tolerate you.”

Know It All.

This internal dialogue haunts me, daily.

I was a pretty girl.  A pretty blond girl. Blond jokes were a constant from the time I began middle school.  I use to pretend they didn’t bother me.  I use to pretend to be the girl that others wanted me to be.

I use to pretend to be dumb.

When I was fifteen, I remember a cute boy patting me on the head after I said something he though was foolish.   “It’s OK Nanette, you’re blond.”

This comment, a comment that had been said to me hundreds of times, hit a chord.

That was the last time I took blond crap from anyone.

That was the day I stopped pretending to be dumb.

Funny thing happened, I began pretending to be smart.

I never forgot the words people said about me, though.

And at thirty two, I still believe that I am dumb.  I pretend I don’t, but I do.

My logical left brain says, “That’s stupid.  You are very smart.  You are an incredible teacher, great mom, and a good partner.  You are not dumb.”

But then someone pats my head or gives me a look of pity after I spell something incorrectly, or say something that wasn’t so smart…and I feel, well, dumb.

My internal dialogue, “Nanette, you are not smart enough, lucky yes.  Smart, no.”

Not smart enough.