Panty lines.

Like, as in Granny Panty lines.

Not good.

That was the day that I decided it was time to try out the thong, again.  They’ve never been comfortable, yet I seem to remember hearing, somewhere, that they could be.

And so I began my mission to find the perfect thong, for cheap.

My search took me to Kohls where I found signs that said things like, “Barely There.” or “You’ll never know they are on!” and, “No panty lines!”

That sounded good to me, so I began to investigate.

The fairly benign looking panties looked really thin.

check.

No tag.

check.

Cottonish.

check.

Inexpensive.

check.

I was willing to try fork over the cash to these girls out. But just to be sure, I bought a pair that was a size bigger than I would usually buy.  (THE KEY TO A COMFORTABLE THONG, I discovered!! Trust me girls!)

I got home, washed them, and then tried them out.

The result?  I swear.  It’s like I’m not even wearing underwear.  They are so comfortable.

AND no panty lines!!

I began strutting around the house, work, and play with an extra skip in my step and bounce in my errr butt.

Feeling good, I began changing out of my work pants and into my sweats as I bent over, barely covered with my newly donned thong, when my son said, “Wooo Mom, your butt has really gotten BIG!!”

.…

Um, excuse me?  Oh no you didn’t!!  I turned around and asked for him to repeat himself.

And he did.

So, as any good mom would do, I walked up to him, smacked him in the back of his head, and promptly changed back into my granny panties.

Ahem.

Kids.

I’m telling you, he is wrong.  My butt is NOT getting bigger…I think.…I just feel more comfortable in a bigger size panty.… I swear! It’s not my butt… it’s the cut.  I hope.

Despite the size of my rear, I’m thrilled with my new find and my lack of lines.

And there you have it folks… my first post in months, about my booty.  Gotta love that!

I’m back, Bitches…let’s talk panties!

NOooo, I’m more like thinking, “Oh my gosh.  This is the BEST leverage EVER!!  My son will KILL me for this in 12 years time.”  Heh!

I’m a horrible, horrible mom. Really, I am.

What the frick??  Seriously?

My solution?  I took his pajama bottoms, looped my finger under the fabric and wiped his butt.  I know, classy!

Unfortunately it was still tickling, so I told him to go into the bathroom and wipe again.  BC then informs me that it’s my fault that his butt was tickling because I didn’t wipe him good enough earlier.

My fault?  That my 4 year old’s butt was tickling??

Again…what the frick??

Once the problem was solved he ran back out to the living room to drop trough and show me his newly cleaned butt.  At this point I was simply laughing too hard to check it again.

Seriously, this was not in the handout when I decided to forgo birth control and become a mother!

I did not sign up for the ‘butthole check’!!!

The basics have been banned. You know, “What the hell” and “Damn it”. Even “Shit,” and “Oh my God!” are out.

But DAMage…not out. As passionately as BC tells me that it IS a bad word, I just don’t buy it. Yup, DAMage gets to stay.

Ya, we’re awful parents like that!

You know, the fact that our kids even know those phrases is a whole other topic that I probably shouldn’t get into today.

Ahem. But I digress.

“Shut up” and “Stupid” are crowd favorites here in the Bay Area.

But in our house? Yup. BANNED.

Poopyhead, MeanyPoopyHead, HeadyHeadyPoopyHead.

TOSSED like last night’s cookies.

A recent crowd favorite, “Goober.” GONE.

“What the HELL??” You might ask.

I know! Goober, of all words?

It was cute and all until BC got a timeout at the gym for shouting , “You’re such a goober!!” at a sweet little girl, promptly hurting her feelings.

OUT.

But the word that’s crept into our family’s mainstream vocabulary as quickly as my kids’ nails grow is DUH.

It was funny, like twice, which is precisely the reason that persistent little bugger has stuck around so long.

It’s always a solidifier when Mommy laughs her head off at her darling kids’ inappropriate behavior.

I’m not saying I DID that…but if I were to have been such a STUPID mommy, it might explain why my kids are so attached THAT word.

Hypothetical, of course.

Ahem.

Anyway, DUH is GONE. OUT. BYE BYE. Never to be heard from again.

…Until one day when I asked BC to put something on the sink.

“I already did that Mommy!! THE”

Excuse me??

THE??

As in DUH??

You gotta be kidding me!!??

So now I’m considering dumping one more word from our everyday life.

The.

But how can I get by without my the? It’s a handy stand by when I’m trying talk about THE situation at hand. Or when THE playroom is a mess and when I’ve asked my kids to clean it for THE eighteenth time.

X-ing out THE can really F*CK things up around here.

Wait. No, scratch that last sentence. F*UCK is automatically placed on the BANNED list of family life.

But you already knew that, didn’t you.…THE!!

The, the new Duh

I say, “Hub, I usually let BC dress himself.”

“Uh, Nette? He ‘s wearing tights.”

At that exact moment I was taking a sip of my tea.

My tea ended up all over my end table. Hub and I laughed until I almost peed. Then I asked BC to pose for a picture.

This is what I saw:

Just as I snorted, it’s the German in me-my mom says, eClaire pushed BC out of the way to say, “Ohh look at me, I’m sooooo cute.“

BC then eeked his way back into the picture to show me his HUGE muscles. And his tights. For the record, those “tights” are just long socks pulled up above his knees. His favorite way to wear them is with a pair of shorts and his Lightning McQueen Water Shoes… Zexy, I know!

Then eClaire is all, “Oh but I’m not just cute. I’m funny too! Look! Look! I’m FUNNY, Damn IT.” Well, she might not have said Damn It today.

And then she was all, “BC touched me!! He looked at me sideways, and I don’t like him.”  I rolled my eyes.

And she was like, “DON’T LOOK AT ME BC!! You ruined my life!! Why did you have to be such a pain in the butt brother!!???” Ahem.… excuse me. I may be channeling my own sibling angst here… I digress. Hi Uncle J… love you!

And then BC’s all, “OH NO SHE DIN’T“

And then eClaire decided she had enough, “MOMMY!!!! Waaaaa! Why are you laughing?? It’s NOT FUNNY!“

Aaaand Scene.
On a more positive note, when BC was asked to get a sweatshirt because it was still a bit chilly outside, he ran into his closet to get his favorite sweater.

Ya.

Bwhaahaahaa!! A future in fashion? I think not. Hey, at least he pulled his socks down, at Dad’s request!

The Evolution of a Meltdown

Hubby Santa had the genius idea to buy window markers and give it to the kids in their window stockings. In San Diego. At my parents house. With no less than 50 windows and French doors. I’m not exaggerating on that number either!

Smiling Mom Mrs. Clause knew her dad well enough and, let’s be honest, her kids well enough, to know that markers on a window and children at my parents house made for bad juju. (You are WELCOME Dad!) She made an executive decision not to put the those markers into their stockings.

Hubby found them yesterday.

Ahem.

Then eClaire found out that not only did the pink marker make for great abstract art, but it also made for a great lipstick color.

Ya. So.… That was fun!

My kids are such budding artists!

Oh! Oh!

And then today! My daughter thought she’d “help” (quote fingers implied) me make cupcakes for her upcoming birthday party! It was so much fun!! Having her help, I mean!! Look at what she did!!

Fun huh??!!

Yes. That is a bite mark. But wait there is more!

FIVE Cupcakes!! Thank goodness for frosting. No one will ever know the difference. hehehe

Frosting solves all problems.

Well..

Except for this one.

You see, I have this incredibly cruel sense of humor. I love to take pictures at totally inappropriate times.

Like just after eClaire gets off of time-out for EATING MY CUPCAKES!! Do you see the chocolate up on her forehead?

So funny!!

…I mean, so sad

But really, you couldn’t get a more pathetic picture if you tried!

And to answer the question that’s on all your minds, Yes. I’m already saving for her looming therapy sessions.

Here’s to lipstick and chocolate cake!

After almost two weeks of sleep deprivation, cranky days, aggressive kids, exhausted parents, and children who fight about anything and everything, my kids did an amazing thing.

They slept in.  (collective sigh of relief please!)

Until 8:25!  My usual morning awakening happens first at 4:00, and with finality at 6:30.

Today, they slept until 8:25!!

BC woke up this morning with a glint in his eye, skip in his step and a song on his lips.  I think I even heard birds chirping outside!

OH and both my kids ate breakfast without any reminders.

Today’s going to be a great day!

*this may be a slight exaggeration. maybe, but not really, I think.

The Great Reset Button.

We’re home free in 15 minutes!  Kids are going to bed and we get to relax.

Mistake Mistake Mistake!! (Never, ever say such a thing and expect the next 15 minutes to go smoothly!)

Hubby looks at eClaire and says:

Come on honey, I’ll read you One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish before bed.

eClaire was thrilled.  She jumped up and went tearing around the corner toward her room.  Just as she neared her door, she tripped.

I saw it happen.  BAMM! eClaire flew head first straight into the door jam.

Hard.

Really Hard.

She stood up, held her breath and amped up for the scream of all screams.

By the time she began to run toward me, she was in full scream.  It was packed with agony, pain, fear.

And so was I.

In a matter of 5–15 seconds I watched a knot on her head develop that was at least 3 inches high and 1 1/2 inch wide, and bright blue.

I began to panic.

eClaire was hurt.  Really hurt.

After about 3 minutes we realized we needed to take a visit to our local ER.

The long of the short of it is that eClaire is OK.  She’s fine. There is no skull fracture or concussion.

What did happen though is she hit a blood vessel and it burst, causing the instant swelling.

Yesterday afternoon I got home from work and she still looked terrible, but her mood was quite improved.

Thank goodness!

How does a mom do it?  How do you stand tall, keep your calm, and walk through these terrible moments with your child?  How?

Are moms allowed to retire when their kids are still young?  I’m looking to put in my papers next week!

Retirement?

I should get an award for putting up with this stuff.…

Now that’s trashy.

Highlights:
–I learned that 2 year old boys can be complete angels!
–BC was totally intrigued by anything airplane.
–I learned that earphones and a DVD of Cars does keep a 2 year old entertained for more than 3 minutes!
–BC got SODA. Yes. Soda. He was ecstatic. As a result he’ll be singing my praises for the next three months, minimum. Sometimes you gotta bribe your kids with an off-limit treat!
–We visited Mikayla and Caitlyn tonight. Mikayla is the most beautiful baby! And so tiny.

Low-Lights:
–eClaire pooped the very second we stepped onto the plane.
–I changed her on top of the tiniest toilet known to man, in the airplane lavatory.
–eClaire screamed, hysterically, for 1/2 of the trip. Good thing that amounted to only about 30 minutes.
–I gave her soda to shut her up. Bad mom. Bad mom. But…she stopped crying momentarily as she drank it. There’s not a chance I would have ever given BC a sip of soda before his second birthday. Oh how things change.
–BC began to shiver, violently, while visiting his cousins.
–BC spiked a 103 degree temperature almost immediately.
–BC was dosed with Tylenol.

At dinner I had a beer. I’m wiped out. Looking for a more mellow day tomorrow! I’m glad to be in San Diego visiting my parents but now, I must sleep.

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Drugs, Alcohol, and Carbonation