How much negotiating is too much?
Recently Michelle and I had a play-date at a local park. Since neither of us could find a babysitter, we decided to let our children tag along. Heh! 
The conversation quickly turned to our all things kid including tantrums and negotiating. The big question that we kept coming back to was, “How much negotiating is too much?” If I ask my four year old to put away his socks, for the fourth time, and he tells me to wait because he’s helping his sister put on her dolly’s clothes, should I wait? He’s got a point, he’s doing something to help out his sister.
If I say it’s time to to turn off the movie and he tells me he will when the scene is over, is that ok?
Raising a four year old is so different than raising a younger child. Not all conversations are as black and white. You now have to deal with a thinking, TALKING, negotiating little person.
My answer to the question, “How much negotiating is too much?” came at the turning point of BC’s tantrum phase. My dad was in town and knew my husband and I were at a loss as to what to do with our son’s behavior. We thought we were parenting pretty consistently. But I have to say that having a fresh set of eyes in our house for three days, watching all our parenting moves was a true blessing. He was able to see just where the breakdown in our strategies occurred.
One scene that he observed went something like this:
Me: BC turn off the computer. I warned that if you hit your sister again, you’d be done with the game.
BC: (Intense stare, not budging)
Me: If you don’t turn off the computer, then I will.
BC (Intense stare, heals digging into floor)
Me: (Walking over to computer, shutting off the game)
BC: (Staying put at the desk, not budging or complying. Just not playing the game.)
During this whole event, I did all the work. First I told my son to turn off the computer, then realizing that he wasn’t budging and fearing an all out war, I changed my strategy.
Essentially what I did was create uncertainty. My son could not predict with 100% accuracy the of outcome of his actions, so he rolled the dice, and won.
My behavior and actions were creating his sub-par behavior.
As my father and I were talking he brought up this example to me.
As a teacher I go along my day with my students, just as happy as can be. The students have choices and I allow them a lot of leeway, as long as they are on task. But the minute they disobey, fall off task, or step over the acceptable line, all negotiation and additional privileges stop. They must head back to their desks. Period.
Why was I not applying these strategies to my own parenting?
Ultimately, I knew the answer.
Fear.
I had given my power to the four year old tyrant living in my home.
It was at this moment when I said to myself, “This is not a democracy. What I say goes, or there will be consequences.”
The next time my son told me no, he would not follow my directions, I walked over to him, got eye level and said with the most serious voice and facial expression I could muster, “You WILL follow my directions, or you WILL go to time out.” And I stared. I did not break eye contact.
He realized the shift in my parenting, and reluctantly complied.
Not only did this shift all but end the tantrums. But knowing the consequences to his actions with 100% certainty also, amazingly enough, allowed my son to breathe again. It was like he was a new kid again. The smile returned to his face and his happy atmosphere returned to our house.
Kids crave boundaries. A lack of boundaries creates uncertainty. Uncertainty creates confusion. Confusion creates fear. Fear creates an unsafe feeling. Kids who feel unsafe act out. Acting out creates tantrums. Tantrums are HELL for parents!!
My son and daughter have multiple choices throughout the day. They choose their clothes, what they want for breakfast, and where and how they play, just to name a few. But the one thing they no longer choose is when and how they to pay attention to our rules.
In times of distress, our house is not a democracy. It’s a dictatorship.